"Fuck Seinfeld." A Useful Definitive Statement

"But it's not absurd, it's just shit."

RND// This Dispatch is for anyone in the Republic who, to this date still kinda loathes that wretched show and what it represents - who've been searching for a handy, healthy and definitive historical statement, summing up everything pathetically shitty about it. (I found this one stapled to a wooden telephone pole outside the local cafe.) Henceforth, whenever you say "Fuck Seinfeld", say it casually, dismissively. Feel good about yourself; no longer need one be afraid to stand up and be proud about stating the bloody obvious to the oblivious. Then say, "Let's all go watch The Kids In The Hall instead!"

Question: What makes you depressed?
Answer: Seeing stupid people happy
- Philosopher Slavoj Zizek

// DEFINITIVE STATEMENT STARTS

TLDR; To consider Seinfeld the Kenny G of comedy.

One of the best initial reasons to justifiably, righteously hate that show is provided by 'Daniel', one of its bizarre millions of annoying, silently and lightly deranged Seinfeld fanboys. Observe this all-time classic response to a rhetorical question about the distinct possibility that his bestest inane media presentation and fave brand of flatly-stupid might actually just suck dead donkey nuts:

Some people were blessed by god with a sense of humor. Sadly these answers about Seinfeld prove that these people lack one. Much like some people lack athletic ability or have no artistic talent. It's quite sad, because people who lack a sense of humor go their entire lives without ever having a quality laugh or enjoying things that are truly funny.
Seinfeld is an incredible show with humor that is off the charts and plot lines that no other sitcom has come close to matching in the existence of television. The 4 cast members worked incredibly well together. Seinfeld + David were amazing writers that we surely will not see again in our lifetime, certainly not paired together. You can buy just about anything in this life but you can't buy a sense of humor.
- Daniel, Yahoo Answers

Thanks, Danny boy. Keep on avoiding that medication; much like the show, such comedy pyrite seems worth at least one quality deadpan chuckle. (Notice how, much like the DOD, the aggressive instinctual need for fans to 'defend'™ poor little billion-dollar syndication fee TV shows from it's humorless detractors. Ooh, the meanies!)

Perhaps what's needed to be laughed out of the room - and off the stage, are po-faced attempts to mansplain to anyone within earshot how The One Show must at all times be seen as funny. Zizek terms this 'the (ideological) injunction to Enjoy'. Apparently one cannot do anything but enjoy Seinfeld. Like it's physically impossible for Seinfeld to be anything other than a self-evidently hilarious comedy classic. Any and all suggestions of un-funnyness must be (humorlessly) put down and suppressed - without irony. This in turn may be called 'spaß ist pflicht' (pron. "spass isst flickt"), roughly translating as Fun Is Your Duty. An officially mandated cultural obligation. A warning: Laugh Or Else.

Yet, if it's so automatically goddam brilliant, so manifestly chortle-inducing, so incandescently gut-busting and innately frolicsome, why then can't it simply stand on it's own - without uptight and wrathful prostrating cultists singing its phrases around the clock? Warding away the Hate from it's holy gates. A beautiful comedy flower one may simply ignore, or stop by to sniff for a moment. Why take any well-practiced histrionic offense against those suggesting otherwise? One answer may lie in the fragile media-fed ego: what one laughs at, one often tacitly agrees with. The underlying premises, so to speak. And so, to not laugh at the show may be seen as laughing at those who always find such scripted, prolefeed inanities endlessly amusing. (Why you mad, bro?)

Seinfeld, or How The Endless Half Hours Pass By, Glacial And Recumbent

Holy sweet Elvis Yahweh-on-a-stick. Sitting through an entire episode of Seinfeld often feels like watching a corporate comedy salesmen take a slow, white, room-deodorizing crap in your eyeballs. It's as if Cardboard and Bleach had a mutant baby and named it Violently Neutral - or maybe just Frazier. ("Miles!" Itself another shitshow, philosophically speaking.) There's seems a queasy, unacknowledged anger and poverty to the franchise, slow boiling under its sinister surface of polite, oh-so casual spiteful cleverness. A cloying, smug air that makes one want to go full Travis and tip the TV over on it's end.

Disorienting, schizophrenic and brain stunningly banal; to consider Seinfeld as life with all the bumps filed off by committee; a consequence free trip into Whipepo's zany, daily recreational psychopathology. Like it wouldn't take anything more than a single huff and puff by reality before the whole synthetic house of cards toppled inward.

Despite what it 'clearly' states about itself, Seinfeld may truly be A Show About Nothing™ - nothing that is, but sociopathically myopic white privilege and polite class warfare. In which a random bunch of unpleasantly designer-neurotic, self absorbed tosspots stand around tastefully furnished, well lit midtown apartments spouting neuron destroying, terminally boring yada-yada bullshit. (As Lt. Hanna from Heat would say; don't waste our motherfucking time.)

Long Live Undead King Jez

Poor old Jerry Seinfeld (imagine naming a show after your ego - what hubris.) The very image of the quietly smug millionaire jerkoff, the 'rule abiding rebel' with his luxury sports car collection, $17K coffee machines and self-depreciating, actually just well-practiced humility; that low-key, take-it-all-in-my-stride approach to being smoothly disgusting (ie. Rich White and Famous.) The reason such 17-year-old dating slimeballs always appear so sweat free, prepared and at ease, is simply because they can well afford it! Every atom in their nakedly opportunist weasel bodies screams 'groomed to the point of pathology.'

Seinfeld and company: grossest age gaps in Hollywood

Why do so many other rich, kleen-kut assholes so keen to go for rides in his cars? It's because old Jez is one of them, cut from the same beige cloth. He isn't remote threat to the twisted, elite ideology which birthed them - which keeps them in the power and privilege to which they're long accustomed. Consider Jerry as merely a true mensh of The System, his driftwood-dry bullshit hu-mor-tumor brand directly reflecting an utter lack of genuine concern about anything that isn't utterly, cosmically irrelevant to the lives of people who aren't like him and his $26 million private jet-owning world.

The slow, greasy humor exuded by such toxic media lampreys is about as violently, willfully non-political as it's possible to get. In Jerry's little sealed worldview bubble, real problems like sexism, institutional racism, ongoing anthropogenic climate disaster and straight up fascists of all kinds don't exist.. and it would seem impolite and un-chill to mention them to his dullard audience. (Interesting how some problems are worth mentioning more then others, huh Jez? The alleged shocking-embarrassment of watching someone eating a Snix candy bar with a knife and fork, however, isn't one of them.)

Perhaps we should stop continually hyena laughing / inverse-gagging at tax advantaged multi millionaires, whose very existence is a sick joke at real people's expense. Is it any surprise the 'comedy' yucks the pompous and self-contented pull out of their corporatized ass are as essentially unwell and depressing as they are?

Forever Trapped In Seinfeld Standup Comedy Hell

Know what could be a perfect facsimile of being trapped in Comedy Hell forever? Those opening scenes in Seinfeld where Jerry's doing his 'real in-show life' comedy-zombie sthick? A real laughathon purgatory. Oh god it's just so fucking horrible..

Look at him up there, a frictionless little shmendrik, posing up there in his tailored suit and nice shoes combo, telling his monotonous little yokes through perfect teeth about Things Which Truly Don't Matter to bunches of uptown yuppie shitheels who trade contaminated baby food stocks during the day, and go to bullshit, air conditioned comedy clubs near the wrong side of the tracks at night, feeling edgy and pumped for the next day's hot exploitation. (More organic Italian bread sticks and guilt free martinis, anyone?)

You gotta love the way the gentle tinkle of glasses, the polite laughter of dummies and the way the soft stage lights gently and synergistically complement the freakishly understated luxury of Jerry's 90's CEO mullet. Smell the efficient cleanliness of the whole bleached Act, where every syllable has been professionally vetted to be as Offensively Unoffensive as possible; golf course era Bob Hope comes across like Bill 'Guevara' Hicks by comparison. It may however just be all utterly batshit - like something out of American Psycho (to paraphrase: "You really like this kind of comedy, Patrick?") The exact, airless middle of the road is the worst place to stand, Jez. Neon displays of limp McDonalds burgers often display more authenticity and spontaneity.

To consider Seinfeld - the man, or the show - as a one trick pony, flogged to undeath; the entire trick being that you've dragged out an entire career of convincing the wide eyed and easily pleased that your not simply another macher, an oysshteler, a tuches lecker, a safely conceited little shmegegge so very eager to please (himself) - a pseudo-humble little man of no real importance who adored every single stitch of misplaced attention that wafted his way. (Is it simply because standards are so laughably low, the only reason dullards like Seinfeld are so famous?) Standing up there along under those spotlights, in front of that Lynchian red curtain. Basking in the pathetic delusion one is The True Comedy God. The thinnest and most etiolated of mediated illusions.

Soft hands, Filipino-maid-starched collars and front row Mets seats; Seinfeld as the desperate transparency of the rich, male ego laid bare. Paid a cool $1M per episode - and even offered $100M for another series (wow, for that watery bile?) Ultra lame ass pseudo-jokes about food, cellphones, relationships - whatever the hell Jezzy chooses to fart through his shiny gob about. And all from a distinctly Upper West Side perspective. Zero real emotion, compassion or possibility for true human connection. The flattened-toothpaste-tube comedy of the gilded One Percent, with more time on their bloody, manicured fingertips than any truly common sense about humanity whatsoever. Zip up baby, your class is showing.

Compare and contrast the sensitive, caring comedy of Marc Maron, or the one man routines of Eric Bogosian, which easily dump on Seinfeld from severe heights, without effort. Bursting with angry laughter, desperation and pain they display nuanced, humane qualities that Seinfeld doesn't even bother imagining it features. Instead, there's just the refined canned air of bullshit apparent Universalism; that whole "Gee-wizz ain't it so funny and strange down here on Earth? Don't oh-so minor misadventure stories like 'waiting in line at a restaurant noticing someone's odd behavior' or 'having an amusing run in with a bank teller' resonate with us all?" Good grief, said Linus. No they fucking don't. Consider Seinfeld as decidedly anti-existential, a willful bad-faith act. That it only really gives a shit about itself (and what's that, exactly? A hollowed out nothing. In short, a friendless Golem.)

And anyone who trots along with that 'But the show is a clever deconstruction of the sublime absurdist minutiae which makes up all our lives' may need to stop sucking the tailpipe of Jerry's expensive motorcars. Or just wake up to the sad fact their lips are burning. Seinfeld 'deconstructs' absolutely nothing; it may just be simply pleased with its own, dumb cleverness. A blind worm, watch at Seinfeld positively writhes around in the shallow, lukewarm spit pool of its apparent smartness. Talk about a bunch of naval-gazing lint and pocket piffle dressed up as 'slick', 'hip' and 'contemporary'. Honestly, terminal bowel cancer seems hipper and more 'timelessly funny'. Here's a summary of every corporate-slick, professionally dialed-in, assembly line processed-cheese Seinfeld episode ever pinched off:

Smug Tosser One: Soup? I mean, as a concept.
Smug Tosser Two: Ha yeah, Soup! About that Soup, wow.. unbelievable.
Smug Tossers One, Two and Three look at each other (pause): Soup. [They get ready to go for Soup.]
Smug Tosser Four, appearing from behind door: Anyone mention Soup?

- And the gathered crowd of storefront dummies goes wild. Wankers; get collectively fired into the nearest black hole (BTW philosophically speaking this is called 'the looser'.) Seinfeld as truly small-potatoes writ large.

Now Showing - Seinfeld: The Grey Rundown

From the second the show starts:

Dig that lousy 90s hyper-corporatized logo, which like some shitty AOL-style restaurant chain founded by Harvard millionaires, screams "Make everyday a Seinfelds!" (Word on the gentrified street says the tossed salads with fresh organic cilantro are particularly wholesome and nutritious. Just not philosophically; it all stinks like shrink-wrapped corporate pap.)

Next arrives Jerry's hyper-inane opening monologue. Like some unskippable 90's DVD cutscene, or a pop-over website ad for Professional Asshole Lessons.

Then immediately trots along that truly awful, excruciatingly annoying theme tune, arriving complete with its own set of corporatized adjectives; 'funky-fresh', 'oddball', 'daring', 'dynamic'. Switch that shit off; this ain't no Dave Matthews Band concert.

Seinfeld Scene-Transition Slap Bass Drinking Game

About that bastard Seinfeld bass-line, hoo-boy: every time it plays, a tiny vent opens up and a Demon Of Mediocrity flies out to listlessly slap the face of the nearest TV-watching simpleton. It's the ultimate Idiot's Audio Queue, signifying that a good, safe time is about to start. Again, and again. Signalling bright, braying donkey laughter. It's like Victor Wooten developed a particularly smug brain tumor that couldn't stop overrating itself - forever overplaying a shitty bass line direct into the televisual void.

Whenever that hateful Seinfeld Scene Transition Slap Bass plays, down another shot of the good stuff, turn to your right and unceremoniously thwack the nearest chuckling fanboi obliquely across the top of their eggy head, Dennis Leary style. They'll thank you for it later, if and when they regain whatever self-parodying semblance of consciousness they had before buying the complete boxed set on Ebay. (Can you even imagine watching the whole thing? Entire curtain-drawn days of quiet, low-key amusement and gentle, socially awkward bemusement. Man that's some bullshit right there.)

People on-Net have satirically cut together Seinfeld videos without people - just scenes of empty apartments. Or Seinfeld without the laugh track. Such light sarcastic edits clearly informs anyone with functioning levels of neural discernment that Seinfeld may be merely Full Of It, and it should simply be discarded to the comedic landfill. A shell of a program, entirely without substance - despite and because what it states to proactively avoid potential criticism (a laughably common tactic among the 'but-that's-the-whole-point, dummy' style witless.) Like many other similar shows with the same, apparently-oh-so-clever writing, Seinfeld displays the very symptoms of those aspects of modern society it seeks to laugh so cruelly about.

Consider Seinfeld as merely the syndicated daytime TV show equivalent of Garfield or Doonesbury. Deadpan: "Go on, make me laugh, Doonesbury." Make us fucking laugh Seinfeld - just once. We dare you. When all anyone really wants to do is reach over and clack its self-satisfied kneecaps with a lead pipe. One way to consider the shitty characters on Seinfeld is as Psychic Leeches. Or those tiny birds which pick the decaying scraps of half-digested random crap from the idle plastic teeth of the TV-reality crocodile, amusing themselves endlessly with their own misperceived intelligence - and usefulness as distractions from their own undiagnosed awfulness.

The Ideological Surface Ugliness Of Seinfeld

The disgusting, racist outburst of Seinfeld actor Michael Richards at a real world comedy club should surprise nobody. In fact it precisely mirrors the repressed violence of the show itself. It's like in Fight Club: "Under and behind and inside everything this man took for granted, something horrible had been growing." Consider Seinfeld as anti-comedy - it's list of subjects deliberately never mentioned the epitome of everything safe, contained, conservative, uptight-and-anal, and positively Nixon-era friendly. A super bland comedic whitewash. Yet the real ugliness is always there - right at the very surface, hidden in plain sight.

The straight wack show for warmduschers who prefer their comedy sans-comedy, cynically swapped out with corny quirks and neurotic quips. To consider it merely monstrous; smoothly garish and aggressively plain. To look in any decent media encyclopedia under the term 'lite and horrible' and find it there.

You don't get Seinfeld. Either you don't get it, you don't get the humor, or you're not smart. Seinfeld is required viewing for anyone who appreciates intelligence and comedy.
- Jake 'Severely Deluded' Pitsenburgler

The anti-philosophy on proud display in every frame of Seinfeld: nakedly misanthropic designer apathy, or playful anti-humanism. And millions of rubbernecking slow-motion-car-crash voyeurs faithfully tuned in every week to stare at it. How it seeks to diffuse and distract from these facts however, is through acts of what it imagines is its 'absurdity'. But it's not absurd, it's just shit.

Larry David's mantric existential policy for the show - 'no hugs, no learning' - is what's truly socially awkward about Seinfeld. It merely makes casual cruelty and dumb, un-earned laughter socially acceptable. What fans remotely imagine they're constantly laughing at, is nothing more than the socially awkward unconscious realization that they, like the cast members - but without the millions - might also just be giggling, slightly obnoxious no-life idiots. Quietly insufferable braggarts, too cool for (a good, swift) schooling.

Everybody talks about confidence as a-good-thing. "If you wanna get anywhere, kid, ya gotta have confidence." Thing is, the only total-confidence on display in Seinfeld may just be the presumption, brashness and impudence of living as an utter asshole without consequence. That particular shit-eating facial expression Seinfeld is a master of, and is almost never without - you know the one, that 'half-hurt, half-dumbfounded' look which cries out "I just can't believe nobody else but me cleverly acknowledges the sheer social awkwardness of this guy and-or situation!"

Chrrrist. One wonders if he practices this sthick in the bathroom every morning. (Apparently he stopped doing it, shortly after a giant scaly red hand came through the mirror from the inverse side, grabbed his designer collar and told him to "Fucking quit that annoying shit.. You little prick.")

The sneering, smirking confidence of snobs that anywhere else would result in a distinct loss of teeth and a bloody nose, but which in The One Show is only ever congratulated. Like those 80's teen movies, in which social upper crust members of the Cruel Hearts Society make a huge public display of 'simply not knowing what to do' when encountering someone from the lower untouchables. Some poor nerd who accidentally says Hi, or even younger member of their own club who, not yet up to speed with every one of the bullshit rules acts inappropriately before royalty. The visceral response is always utterly OTT: "Like, OMG. I can't believe this is happening to me." Oh, how they wince and shiver at the mere presence of The Awkward! Poor little things.

After all, how hasn't repeatedly and consistently winced in true existential pain, each and every single time some weirdo stranger has dared to fail to live up to one's aggressive, borderline fashy notions of 'normal', 'sensible', 'reasonable' and 'socially acceptable' behavior?

Seinfeld Cringe Talk

Consider Seinfeld a world-class leader in weaponizing shame. That it played with Cringe before Cringe was even a thing. It makes such a big, unnecessary fuss about one minor aspects of Living In Society; social awkwardness. (What might be truly awkward is why exactly Seinfeld considers everything so goddam awkward.) Every time a stranger does anything the cast considers 'bizarre', the cast has a collective tonic-colonic social seizure. "OMG, these people simply have no idea how to act normally around us clever, humble and well adjusted modern citizens! You'd think everyone else in the bizarrely insular Seinfeld universe were simply outright aliens.

That is, Seinfeld seeks to quietly, but systematically shame, humiliate and degrade people they feel 'don't fit in', who make microscopic mistakes or minor faux pas - mere off dance steps in society's wider ballet - or who simply don't want to deal with the character's time wasting nonsense. While the holy trio of dickheads somehow consider themselves the true 'awkward outsiders looking in', they're the real moral guardians, gatekeepers and controllers of everything they see - which apparently is always worthy of unending sarcastic, faux-bemused commentary. Despite their feigned awkwardness, they alone are the cool, self-anointed ones who get to decide what's 'cringe'.

Imagine if, every thirty or so seconds, a close friend was publicly amused, bothered and bemused by the apparent social awkwardness of others. Pretty soon you'd take them quietly aside and politely suggest they get into serious therapy. Or just stop being a weird dick.

Like Seinfeld as a whole, maybe there's no real mystery; the reason Seinfeld breaks the social contract and repeatedly Says The Quiet Part Out Loud, might be because they're simply bastards.. unceasingly giving the big, laid-back stink eye to the world, to anyone who violates what apparently everyone knows is The Norm™. (But then they do ironically know what the dominant societal norms are. Politeness. Compassion. They just choose to ignore them.) Instead they merely enforce their own vacuous 'standards' which in reality they alone get to define, and enforce. A decidedly Trumpian worldview. Seinfeld as smirking authoritarians. But remember it's all just a joke man - why so serious? (That is: we're politely telling you - you have to, at all times remember it's just a joke.)

This no longer works, Seinfeld. The public has your number now. Never have the words 'irreverent humor' felt so utterly loathful, acidic. Seinfeld as a kind of living death. May we all curb our unrelenting enthusiasm for it; stop constantly informing others about our un-diagnosed mania for such banal dross. What might be truly embarrassing, is to simply know people so susceptible to such twisted anti-humor even exist. Like everyone who's ever accidentally watched Seinfeld has been merely living on the outside of an inside joke, peering in at the private lives of assholes at play. Let us therefore stop staring blindly at such existential trauma porn; it's unhealthy. To consider Seinfeld a historical gateway drug to cruel shit like Ricky Jervais. (BTW, fuck that dickless turd.)

Questioning The Seinfeld 'Philosophy'

This definitive statement has been for everyone who clearly understands that everything about Seinfeld might simple be insane - precisely because it imagines it's inner worldview as sane; artistic, genuine and and authentic. It might just be lying to us, the same way it lies to itself. Self-mythologizing, it tells itself what it has to say and how it says it is cool, innocent, 'honest' - worth paying attention to. Yet (shock horror) it may not be; in fact the term Seinfeld has now been at least partially recognized as a type of mental media health issue:

'Seinfeld': Recurrent and intense intellectual and emotional arousal from observing TV characters who are nakedly low in their soul, trapped the process of yapping about violently mundane bullshit, engaging in smug minor urban activities as manifested through lightly twisted mass cultural fantasies, ideological urges or cruel behaviors, ie. acting shitty towards others seen as less clever, 'weird' or 'awkward'. The main symptoms are bizarrely performative public acts of faux incredulity and the sick, dry canned 'studio' laughter of the easily pleased and perfectly distractable - all bizarrely set to the sound of some intensely annoying scene-transition slap bass tune almost continually playing in the background for no good reason
- from "Fuck Seinfeld": A Useful Definitive Statement

In reality, the show may only really be as 'clever' as those oh-so-tiresome 'Fifty Shades Of Greyscale' books on Amazon. "Gosh, how clever. I simply must buy into it." Be honest; who wouldn't want to see the entire cast and crew suddenly get savaged by city wide hordes of rotten, blue-grey ash faced flesh eating undead - screaming with disbelief at the deadpan comedic injustice of it all ("I mean, we were all just about to go for an uptown decaf latte and spontaneously share amusing bon mots about social mores and their embarrassing minutiae!") until their collective soul dead eyeballs burst from the existential bite pressure.

..That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life, because I'm looking at life through Jerry's eyes. Living in twilight, George. Living in the shallows. Living in the darkness. Like you.. Oh yeah. I can barely see you, George. It's time for us to grow up.
-Kramer from Seinfeld

Seinfeld? Feh! Yeah it could be called 'a show about nothing' because that's precisely what those in charge need to have in our skulls if we watch it. And continue watching it. It's one of those shows that will live in the hell-of-syndication forever, because it - just like globally metastasizing All Amerikan Kulture itself - appears to exists within its own evergreen televisual hyperreality. A twisted little vision of New York that's obviously based in (lifeless, color-free) 'L.A.™', populated by a collection of impossible impersonalities who might not in fact be heartwarming caricatures of actual people (or heroic antiheroes) - but, like those hateful braindead twatlords in 'Friends' - merely a bunch of heartless stupid cunts.

Enough of soul-sucking sanitized American dogshit. Fuck Seinfeld ba-ding-durm-dum-ding-dum-durmdum-dung, ba-durm-dung-dung arrrgg

// DEFINITIVE STATEMENT ENDS