I Have Become Barbenheimer, Destroyer Of Brain Cells

A silent explosion of skull nuking inanity

// Quiet early morning notes on the existential threat implied by the existence of the nuclear family friendly, whitewashing Barbenheimer meme; it's underlying conservative ideology. (That feeling in your stomach which tells you that something about the term 'Barbenheimer' is fucked up? You should listen to it.) In which this Oppenheimer-Barbie, particle-antiparticle fusion only results in a vast Elephant's foot of dumbness and a subsequent silent explosion of skull nuking inanity, it's cultural fallout still steadily ticking with unpredictable radioactive intent. It's all fun and games - until everyone suddenly gets fucking nuked WTFBOOM LOL ETC

Barbenheimer: An explosion of fascistic ignorance

To consider the following:

0. Something that neither directors or fans of either franchise can probably never realize. That the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima were indefensible war crimes by the United States and an act of unmitigated evil.

TwoAnd that both movies are utterly insane. Mere kitschy 'tastelessness' doesn't remotely come into it:

This is actually fucked. Barbenheimer memetic movie poster (remix)

1. "Barbenheimer" sounds like a German concentration camp. "Spaß mach frei." Imagine a finding a dirty plastic child's doll on the floor. Singed clothes, long tanned legs, sans head.

2. Capitalism manufactured both Barbie and Oppenheimer; they are disposable cinematic products designed to make profits, and - for the system - little more than that. That either ended up with anything whatsoever to say, is for that system entirely accidental and not the point at all.

3. The notion that Oppenheimer is a 'serious' flick and Barbie 'non serious' (or remotely 'feminist') as an idea that itself must be laughed right out of the public cinema of discourse. Perhaps they're both just equally seriously-non-serious and dislikeable; mere adverts for themselves. Just like developing a nuclear bomb, both movies display a modern 'dumb-cleverness'. Heck, Repo Man (Alex Cox 1984) had more interesting things to say about the dangers of radiation. To paraphrase racist, white supremacist Winston Churchill: "Never was so much effort given by so many clever people for such stupid results."

4. Whatever in Memes allegedly brings us all instantly together in innocent, authentic, spontaneous and homegrown laughter, perhaps only really marks us out as a collective ship of fools, gladly lost and afloat on our own collective bullshit. The particular audience that instantly decided on paring Oppenheimer and Barbie: an easily self-pleased bunch of quivering, paranoid, Internet Culture Ouroboros rubberneckers that must continually get high by sniffing their own endlessly-clever memetic sharts, less they instantly die from their own inherent terminal boringness and implode from digital vacuousness.

Memes: Trucknuts for the mind

By it's very synthetic nature, memetic social internet 'Content'™ must be politically seen as 'just a joke, bro; why so serious?' The alternative is instant death by nuclear social annihilation - or brain rotting undeath by mindless, sanitized plastic All Amerikan corporate cultural dogshit. (But what if someone wants neither Pepsi nor Cola? What if - shock n' megascale horror - meme's just aren't enough? Say it isn't so.)

5. The failure not to take the apparent inherent seriousness of Oppenheimer™ unseriously, and the seriously-unserious nature of Barbie™ as really just another failure of the mass public mind-void to willfully, systematically ignore all history and wider sociopolitical context. Don't Think now, kids, just mindlessly Watch. Laugh and-or cry on demand.

(It's rumored that Director's Cut Blu Ray releases of both Oppenheimer and Barbie will feature a small Plastic Doll icon and a Nuke Cloud icon in the top right hand corner, which flashes when you're supposed to be having fun - or taking things totally seriously, like the deathly serious movie buff you are.) For those still out of the loop, Barbie is in fact a horror movie; those all-white-plastic-on-the-inside mothers grin more than the horror freaks in Smile (Parker Finn, 2022.)

6. Possibly widely overrated movie director Christopher Nolan has not a dry ounce of microplastic less real / subtle appreciation of the inherent existential dangers of nuclear weapons and their twisted, contested historical development than a dead eyed, sweatshop-manufactured doll. All his movies are only ever about the various inane pathologies and dangerous personal illusions of the fragile, pink-skinned male ego - especially his own.

When you play that fashy WWII style Batman Begins music by Hans Zimmer over the top of the Oppenheimer trailer, the fact 'it just works' (Tod Howard ref there) should inform the wary that Oppenheimer is only really Batman with a single, atom thin coating of barely historical.. Whatever. It's the exact same movie, that even stars Batman villain the Scarecrow - a figure who uses powerful cinematic hallucinogens to induce eye-rolling 'Awe' and 'Epicness' in the tiny, carefree doll brains of it's demographic, targeted with nuclear precision.

7. The paring of Oppenheimer and Barbie into 'Barbenheimer' as a symbolic attempt by the mass public unconsciousness to totally neutralize and depoliticize the true, actual ongoing existential threat suggested by either movie. This is because they are both utterly fucking terrified of world ending nuclear weapons and their own plastic superficiality - rightly so - but bizarrely don't feel they can do a single goddam thing about it, except yuck it all up like rabid hyenas at the apparent inherent 'cleverness' that is the Barbenheimer (marketing) meme. In this dangerous age however, such an always super-seriously unserious, braindead-doll approach to vital life and death issues is itself no less dangerous and terrifying than total nuclear plastic annihilation.

8. Human stupidity is an existential threat. And 'Barbenheimer' merely the latest and most blunt tip of the spear. We're only getting started of course. Drooling fans of the 'Barbenheimesque' already wait with staid, joyless enthusiasm. The meme itself as the direct equivalent of Trumpian "There's good people on both sides" political ideology. A willful blurring - yet in this case the two false opposites really do share ideological commonalities. Like a violent overgrown manchild with clumsy hands, smash two dumb things together and laugh with hollow idiot glee at one's oh-so-clever miscreation. Frown with serious intent, or laugh with pure, chaste exhilaration and delight - as and when appropriate, naturally.

9. How many movies there are about 'complex, poetic, tortured white male geniuses'. All of them. Apparently each and every one of the men in them is troubled and complex; they're all amazing geniuses. And yet the question still arises: why should anyone give a single flying atomic dustbin about endless, self-romanticizing parades of delusional, forked tongued paleskins? Who honestly gives a dirty nuclear shit if Oppenheimer 'the man, the mystery, the military-industrial-scientific schizo' was, eg. "[..] sexually confused and loved by women of singular intelligence and strong personality"? SFW?

How are humans supposed to grasp the true enormity of the living existential theat of The Nuclear - or the proliferation of micoplastic particulates in the environment - by this freakish, unceasing atomic-level focus on individual Big Important Men O' Whiteness? Or larger-than-life dolls? How is Oppie a symbol of anything more or less than his grey flannel suit wearing self - his own hyper-banal delusions that he was doing The Right Thing for The Greater Good? Hollywood biopics are full of shit. Indeed, it's like they exist, precisely not to confront the bigger issue - ten miles high and full of scientific wrath. Oppenheimer as an infotainment bait-n-switch; it exists, precisely so we don't have to / can't focus on nuclear reality. The 'Barbenheimer' meme confirms this.

That had to hurt: Tsar Bomba

10. In the trailer, Oppie says "This is a national emergency. We're in a race against the Nazis. And I know what it means if the Nazis have a bomb." But the U.S. did get the fucking bomb, Julius! (Deadpan: ba-doom tish.) Just like the goddamn (/whitey-on-the-)Moon Landing, remember volks 'the idea is not to believe in it, even if it did happen'. The US certainly didn't mind recruiting all the clever Nazi's it could find after the war; when it comes to building and developing things Uncle Sam finds useful, why good ol' Nazis are as useful as paperclips.

The war begins at home? Vague US Army pamphlet on 'Fascism!'

11. Two super hot ideas.

The most unfortunate aspect of this film, again, I think, is its erasure [emphasis mine] of those who are affected by the weapons.
- Slate: What Does the Anti-Nuclear Movement Think of Oppenheimer?

Like a child repeatedly smacking Ken and Barbie together in a parody of what it saw father and the maid doing in the garage, at some point in the movie show Barbie pegging Ken with a nuke powered, double ended strappon from Yokohama. And when they finally get off, their heads both spontaneously explode in a mile wide fireball. Or, at some point in Oppenheimer, show brief footage of human beings in Japan instantly vaporized by (Mattel-branded) Uncle Sam nuclear bombs - turned into shadowy ashen outlines on a wall or bit of pavement. Now that would certainly change up the whole boring-ass flick. Lend it a single atom of reality for a split second (which ironically is often all it takes..)

Or, since this is about Barbenheimer™, why not show the immediate effects of a nuclear ground-zero airbust on beings made of plastic; observe with cool detachment as the entire cast of Barbie scream-melt away like the Nazis at the end of Indiana Jones. (The resulting bloody, toxic runoff then leeches into the local water supply, giving residents of a nearby town cancer. The townsfolk all affectionately name their memetic humor-tumors Opie.)

12. Let's try to avoid getting Really Baffled about that fevered, phony pseudo-debate over whether to see one movie, the other, or both. - Or precisely which one should be used as a sickeningly Fun™ 'mental palate cleanser' for the other. (The fuck?) Either see neither one because you realize they're both mere whitewashing CGI trash - or, bare with me now - see both simultaneously, side by side like the deeply superficial, hyper-generic corporate Sludge Content they only wish they weren't.

As for those Trilby tipping movie-snob assholes, jovially skipping along in fucking Los Alamos 50's style cosplay to watch Oppenheimer, sucking down on their beryllium flavored lollypops - perhaps a full body rad suit might of been more appropriate, dickheads. At least then there's the off-chance others might be temporarily shielded from such Barbenheimeresque inanity.

Bill Hicks: How to review shitty movies